2006-10-10 - 7:47 p.m.

Well I suppose i should endeavor to write her my thought that i wouldn't mind verbalising if only certain people were present to listen.

The Gap between posts answers the cliffhanger that was set I suppose.

She said no, she turned out to be really hurt and offended which is something I'd hoped I'd avoided having spoke to her. This obviously didn't make me feel any better on top of the rejection and so for a couple of days i was really quite sore.

Then having sat and really thought about it i came to the conclusion that due to the rushed nature of it all I'd had to extrapolate where my feelings could go in order to make sure if i did it, it actually had the potential of working out. And as such it wasn't a true reflection of me, more what i had hoped for. Daresbury is particularly helpful in that respect i suppose! As such i found that I was fine with the decision and want to repair the damage asap. Unfortunately it's not so easy for Susie it seems, and even though Shez appears to be fine with it all, preferring to deal instead of lose two friends, she is being very distant often not responding to a question, which I do find quite rude.

So currently I have a massive friend shaped hole, which I'd like to start on repairing now. However it currently seems that Susie is prefering the easier option of ignoring the damage and filling over the gap by becoming more friendly with other people. In this case Peter polyfiller seems to be doing a wonderful job, not always on request.

I'm really up and down largely focussing on whether or not I'm occupied as if I'm not chances are I may well have ended up chatting to Susie in the past either by MSN or text. But also thanks to Peter randomly mentioning things I'm not welcome to due to Susie. Cheers for rubbing that one in!

On the flip side, being in a place of hurt has led me to gravitate back to a place where I know I'd be cherished. Shez. She seems fine with the Susie situation but maybe this is because it was a no. But we've had two drunken nights where cuddles and playfulness have turned into not the most subtle gropes and exciting each other. Saturday we hit a wall where if either one of us had the balls to take half a step more we would have ended up in bed. I know I won't go out with her again, at least not in the foreseeable, but at this point in time I couldn't bet on us not sleeping together and that bothers me yet further that i can be so weak.

But currently she's one of the few pulling an extra bit of weight to help with the cutting off of one of my hands. To which I am very grateful.

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????