2008-04-15 - 9:13 p.m.

Argh, I�m really fidgety currently and cannot focus on work at all. I�m hoping if I write some stuff down it�ll release me somewhat.

Some of it comes from a big match tonight. Wolves-West Brom, With only 5 or so games left of the season it�s pretty darn important and I still think we�ll lose but get into the playoffs. But maybe it�s the IF, what IF we win. Surely we�re definitely in the playoffs, just perfect to throw it all away again.

I haven�t been this anxious over a match for ages. Maybe the playoffs last year, more likely the playoff final though. But I don�t know why, maybe it�s not being in the country, maybe it�s having not really followed a game for two and a half weeks, having been caught up in beer on Saturday.

Who knows but it�s not helping.

Then there are other things messing me around. I don�t feel I do a great deal at work and it frustrates me that I can float so easily, but I have a constant worry of being found out as a useless fop. Why don�t they actually demand more from me, it�s within my abilities but I struggle to get it from myself. I can�t just deliver something without having moderate warning of an impending deadline so I can actually prioritise things and so I�m given tasks but haven�t really had any indication of what and when it is expected. :(

I knew finding out I had ready access to the internet would be a bad thing, I�m only ever going to abuse it and more and more I find that the limits are not very strict as to what I can view. Leading to plenty of distraction by things that really aren�t very important. This is why much of my attention can be spent on the game tonight reading people�s views and stats etc.

And yet there is more. I organised to go to the beer festival at the weekend and met up with some new people. One, Cecilie, turns out to be single, attractive, into beer, into EBM and music in general, also is on the foodie list on JD and follows football. Unsurprisingly I feel we�ve clicked pretty well. In many ways better than I have with anyone else here. And that makes me worry. I had opportunities to mention in passing I had a GF and I failed. She has �just� come out of a 6 year relationship as I picked up the tail end of a convo but didn�t pick up whether she was ready to move on, or that she was looking forward to when she�d be able to. The last 2 of these years were spent over distance and as such I�d like to discuss my present situation with her. But is this because I fancy her or because I need some sort of release and she could listen and maybe understand. I am unsure of what legs the relationship with Waish has as unless we�re talking around sex we have a lot of silence and I don�t know whether we�d be in this situation if the sex situation were allowed to lose it�s novelty which it hasn�t had chance to so far. Equally is someone attractive because I can actually talk to them and it�s the interest of something new.

EDIT: She�s added me on MySpace a good way as any to find I�m not single.

Ugh this thing is only ever used if there�s a relationship part to discuss!

I also worry about how I spend my spare time. A lot of it goes into �Gotta catch �em all� activities. Far more so then it ever used to. The IMDB 250, 300 Beers to try Before you die, even my databases for Suicidegirls and Godsgirls which I spend all too much time ummm appreciating and adding to. Now I�m in training for a run then at least that focuses me to exercise in a related incentive. But I so rarely do anything because, I haven�t been out dancing for ages this probably doesn�t help and I have my upcoming DJing to think about.
No doubt it�ll all add to my worrying factor which surrounds me currently. Life used to be simpler than this. I got a job to perform because I�d have expectations to meet regularly and that could then free me to enjoy life outside work. As it is I don�t get enough info and am worried I�ll get caught with my pants down and therefore think to doing more work externally, whereas I could just do it at work rather than browse the internet and write a fucking blog entry to try and calm the nerves and tensions. Christ!

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????