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2008-07-07 - 8:41 p.m.

Mon 30th June
If it�s too hard, I can�t understand it

So here I am, once again confused, just as I was about to admit defeat.

I did crumble, and thought I�d throw some bait into the water and see what happened. So I sent her an enjoy Pride message via JD. Hoping to at least get a snide remark in response. Of course I get no direct response.

It was planned to be my last throw of the die. But then I check her blog and there�s all sorts that either relates or tells me to bugger off.

She starts off saying she doesn�t like playing games even though she�s in one of her own device. Now that sure as hell fits me. However it�s been a fucking odd game as I�ve had no actual encouragement for ages. She even states it�s about a man. Which means either it�s me or she�s being highly hypocritical that she�s happy for one person to be left unsure but wants someone else to clear things up. If it�s the latter then once again I look like maybe I�m better off out of it. She says she doesn�t know how to make her way out of it, where I�m concerned she�s not even tried, which makes me think it�s about another.

Twice she passes comment about wanting help to sort out where things lie. Maybe desperation or directed at people who may be reading. Of course on an entirely unlocked blog then this means nothing at all.

Apparently some big decisions will be made this week. So I�ll see what happens by Thursday if it is no clearer then I�ll just have to bite the bullet and state my case of an inflated ego and hope it�s about me and put the decisions of yes, no but friends or no fuck off on the table. Certainly there�s no reason why the week would affect me.

How much would life just have been easier to stick with a gf I never see, who never did so much to offend and often offered support when required. But at least I know that decision regardless was for the best. And, of course C isn�t the only option, but she�s the one who has her claws in.

What amazes me are our similarities at times, we both listened to The Fragile in the last few days, Her entry into her rant had very similar tones about having high standards, We both seem shit at dealing with life, but her methods definitely differ from mine it seems. Sometimes I wonder how much is my fault. I also play games, my naughty weekend comment if not understood could have led to all of this I suppose. If she thinks I�m seeing someone else. But I think that�s mental padding, looking for excuses. At the end of the day if this turns out how I think it will, I�ll think badly of her and I�ll have shown myself to be a bad judge of character once again, to an even greater extent than previously.

On a slightly different topic, I have been shown once again that my friendship IS worth a damn. Susie�s had some problems in Russia and she made a post that only 4 people can see. I�m one of those, despite the troubles faced when I asked her out, this all seems to be smoothed over and she trusts me once more. She seems OK as well which is a great relief and it reminds me how much I care for her, which of course was the basis of my interest in the first place. Combined with Melissa opening up and hopefully I can help her getting back up then it reminds me at a time when potentially I�m going to have my friendship shoved back in my face before it�s even had a chance to show fully, that actually despite my somewhat wobbly moments where I offend, I�m essentially worth it.
So here�s to an unresolved week then, but by next week I should know something at least. Of course she�s away for the weekend at Arvika, but maybe stuff will be cleared before then.


Wed 2nd

Obviously nothing�s changed really.

I do think she�s talking about her ex, Erlend. It turns out she saw him in China, a pic on FB told me so! :p Which would only add to the thoughts I�d had previously that she wasn�t completely settled over it. I could be wrong of course.

I�m off to a pub quiz tonight with D&D, will be good to see them again. Deb emailed me a few times, makes me wonder if she might ask something. Obviously C has her ear about many things and women are like that. If she does it bodes well for me I think, if she doesn�t it doesn�t mean anything more than I already expect. Hell if I get very drunk, maybe I�ll ask her in a quiet moment, though that�s unlikely especially with the mother there.

C�s latest post mentions who she�ll see at Arvika and she highlights how heavy the EBM side of it is. That could also be aimed for me. But then she also states that it�ll not be the same without Erlend. It probably means nowt tbh.

All this combined with loss of the glasses I really liked has definitely hit my confidence, and it may take a while to recover, as it�s been a pretty big farce.

God knows what happens if she says yes, my brain would probably melt.

Deb didn�t mention anything :(

07/07

Well I sent it Thursday, with the picture. whether that's a good plan or not, who knows!

And I've not heard anything.

Obviously she's been busy having a meeting in Geneva today.

But I'm not sure if I really expect to hear anything in the long run. It would hardly be a change of tactics for her. I would be exceedingly disappointed in her if she did just keep silent though.

If she doesn't reply, or replies negatively. I'm off to Konemetsa me thinks. Alone or otherwise.

:(

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????

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