2009-04-22 - 12:10 p.m.

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!

BOLLOCKS!

SHIT, WANK, TITS!
PISS FLAPS!

I�ve gone and fucking done it again. Fucking ruined everything on a very strong hunch, a hunch that surely people see the world my way and not some convoluted perfect utopia.

Having recently had the impression that C�s view towards me may have moved to a more promising direction, this had been enhanced by evenings out on Wednesday and Friday. Indeed on the Friday she rubbed herself against me and passed a couple of comments that if we had no history could be considered inflammatory. She was meant to come out on Saturday to a work meal, but bailed. It was a shame because I�d hoped to celebrate Wolves promotion with her. However late in the evening (11 ish) she texted to see how things were going and ended up inviting me over for wine. I got there about 12.30 am.

Now in most people�s world, my actions and her invite are not the actions of people without intentions. Of course nothing happened. We talked for 3 hours and went to bed. She offered me her bed as long as I behaved (stated twice :(), however having no underwear on, that was simply not an option, I explained this (!) and opted for the curtainless spare room. Of course I could not sleep. Chatting for three hours with no external stimuli just makes me fall for her further. And given her end of the night standpoint left me thinking that falling so far just cannot happen and I needed to get away. I sat and wrote a letter. Not sure even until the last word whether I would pass it on. It was painful to write as it suggests the possibility of removing her from my life, if things don�t improve as currently I can�t move on and sooner or later i�m going to have to.

I decided not to give her the letter, being too raw emotionally and come the morning when she woke and sitting having breakfast in the sunshine felt right, I just couldn�t face ruining it. She�s just as attractive in the morning as anytime that she puts on makeup etc.
On running the issue over in my mind parts of the conversation stand out as indicators. Discussion of quitting smoking, that she now feels like she�s putting down roots in Finland but still wants to change other aspects, where previously she had said she didn�t know where she�d be in 6 months time and therefore couldn�t commit to anyone. That she�d perhaps made strange decisions in the past few months. Things that can easily be taken as removing many of the parts of her argument to stay just friends. But of course on yet another thought they can just be indications that she�s ready to look for somebody.

Her blog posts too have given the suggestion that she�s targeting someone. From what I can tell she hasn�t had that much free time to spend on anyone else than her work folk and myself. But then maybe I�m wrong. Wrong in a way that I seem to have so much propensity for. The wrong that comes from self-delusion.

In her one yesterday she quotes Kings Of Leon � Use Somebody. And prompts folk to devote themselves entirely to listening to the song. A song with Lyrics that include �you know that i could use somebody, someone like you and all you know and how you speak� and �I�m ready now� whispered in the background.

And then to let her know how it makes them feel. :S Should I have stayed quiet. Should I have waited until we could see each other and explain why I couldn�t sleep. A wait that could easily have been a week. When I have a possibility to see her tonight if she wanted. So what did I do?

I sent a text, rather than responding in public, referencing Jet�s first single. But not by name. �Are you gonna be my girl?� Cheesy yes. But I needed some form of self defence. To take this risk is massive for me. If I upset her, make her life more stressful. And I hoped using our common ground may at least indicate that it was not easy for me. That I couldn�t bowl over and make this call easily.

I�ve had no response (16hrs and counting). I can only leave it a couple of days. If I get nothing then I will ask for a chance to talk and apologise and explain that I have tried to move on, but all progress was lost. And ask to be allowed to try again, safe in the knowledge that she will never change her mind, despite how close we may have become.

I�ve had to turn off my phone in the hope to gain some piece of mind and allow me to work. I see D&D tonight so can at least spout off what a fool I�ve been.

If we were to clutch at straws, what could we say? She doesn�t know the track, hasn�t had a chance to look it up. Doubtful. She doesn�t want to disrupt a work day and get caught up in things. That�s got a small chance. There�s just the trace of obscurity that she doesn�t get and therefore doesn�t want to commit herself. Also doubtful.

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????