2012-10-22 - 9:00 p.m.

Oh boy.

How to break this down, in a way that it is constructive for myself and not too self-pitying?

The trip to Paris.

Wednesday - we meet up and everything is fine, we have some beer, some food, some more beer. We head back home and have more beer. All the time we're chatting away as normal, catching up discussing plans.

Plans - all apart from where we stand as two people who, the last time they met, slept together, breaking down a barrier which had been placed many years earlier and bringing with it a world of confusion, hopes and dreams. At least on one side of the coin.
Bedtime is mentioned and I decide to raise the subject as quite frankly I couldn't just assume one way or another.

We then proceed to have a pretty deep conversation about where we stand. She states that she wants us to be fine, that she needs to know there's a bedrock of friendship still there and that she's not really sure about anything. I also agree that the important thing is that we cool with each other. I also decide to point out that if we did choose to try something then it could be a possibility for me to move to mainland Europe for her, but not for a few months. I even suggest that I'm fine with sharing a bed and nothing happening for the whole weekend, to which she commented she wouldn't necessarily be able to make the same promise. We went to bed, around 6, slept a few hours before renovations downstairs disrupted too much.

Thursday - We had a nice day if tired. Went to a beer shop and had a good conversation with the people who ran it. Possibly C thought the American was cute, deep down I did get jealous. We grabbed some food and headed home. C had a meeting at work the next day so we slept in different rooms so she didn't disturb me.

Friday - I pottered around Paris for a few hours on my own, we met up and drank some beers, saw the Eiffel tower, went for food, drank some more. Headed home, drank more. C played Taylor Swift 'We are never ever getting back together' multiple times. To the point that I was starting to wonder if it was a hint. She also played Carly Rae Jepson 'Call Me Maybe' to death. We playfully argued over this and when bedtime came about, we both got in clothed. As soon as we came face to face we kissed. This progressed a certain way and at some point we started talking again. She pointed out that she couldn't understand why I'd want anything when I, more than any other guy, already knows what she's like. That she'd only end up hurting me. I agreed that it was probably the case, but i would still take the risk. I lose track of how it really ended, aside from that conversation slipped to something more intimate. I was quite surprised to find that she doesn't like people going down on her. Whilst I didn't actually come, she definitely seemed pleased and indeed, once she decided she'd had plenty just before the end made sure she could look me directly in the face before forceably kissing me. Good signs, thought I.

Saturday - We were meant to do a few bits in the morning that interested me, but due to yet another late night we stayed in bed, slightly hungover. C was Ok with some cuddling but generally relocated my hand or shifted her body if my hand went anywhere interesting. I think this was the time we had more meaningful conversations actually, even to the point she said she wasn'�t sure she'd even get to be 60. This actually made me cry a little, I told her I'd rather she didn't say such things as whilst people die, I'd rather not think of a time without her around in any form. She again reiterated how she was not 'a good person' and she cannot change. I pointed out that I knew her and yet I was still here, not running away, trying to take a risk. During this I'm pretty certain she started to cry a little too.

We met up with some of her friends and watched the football, whilst drinking obviously, we started to get more verbally flirty, whilst a little later she started stroking my back or leg when she figured people couldn't see. Obviously I took this as a good sign, and eventually we left the pub. Grabbed some food and whilst on the couch she decided to grab me with her legs. This progressed as expected and the sex was fantastic. All three times she has been very animated and I don't know if that's just her, or if she was really getting something extra, due to our connection.

Sunday - A similar morning followed, I kissed her a couple of times on the lips to see if i got anything more than a base response, but nothing. I lay observing her a while, with the assumption that it could well be the last time i get to see her like that, how i'd like to see her as often as possible, at peace, undressed and beautiful. We went out to the market and everything was fine as always. Once we'd eaten and sat chatting, with about an hour before we were due to leave I decided to confirm that she wasn't about to change her mind. She again reiterated I'd just get hurt, I don't think that she realised that I already was. I agree that there are so many warning signs that I should run, but there's that small thread of awesome and successful, as an end result and even many of the not successful results would have so much good, that the balance seems worth it. I would be paranoid and annoyed and in the end probably broken, but I did point out that I have been known to walk away when things did not suit me anymore and why would this be any different, even if it was unlikely.

It was to no avail, and almost brought tears again for me, her eyes may have been close too. She did mention being torn between what she wanted and what she needed, but didn't elaborate any further. She also said that she thought it was a good thing that she was settled right now as an individual, as opposed to needing someone and taking me without due thought. Funny that, didn't seem to apply so well a month earlier. Part of me thinks that it may have been a suitable way for her to exit the relationship she had. Which in itself is not a bad thing. Why she chose to break me down to do it though, I'm not sure.

With the removal of that barrier, something else dropped too. Somthing that had a month to build, to catch up on 4 years of love. My self defense mechanism, my ability to make sure no one really hurt me again, the way Abi broke me. This has come close. The trip home was hell, 5 hours surrounded by strangers, tired and emotional, IAMX telling me 'I'm terrified, I think too much, I get emotional when i drink too much.' I almost cried multiple times along the way, but held out until I got home. I sent a non-neutral message saying I got home and apologising that I think and care too much but in the long run we'd be fine, but for now I need to disappear.

Today has been better, I think tiredness was a key factor. But right now I'm not sure we can be fine. I don't see we can ever be single together as a pair. I feel I will always want her back and will try to do that. That is not really a friendship. If she's not single, but I am, who knows, it's been proven to not be a shield if she doesn't want it to be. If I'm not single and she is? That *should* work. It would be odd though. The thought of going to her wedding tears me apart, when she herself stated that she thinks she'll end up in multiple marriages.

I don't want to lose her entirely but I can't face anything right now. And with that the tears start, my best friend, my love, with whom I can feel so comfortable. Yet time and time again she's hurt me and shown herself to be against my ideals. Yet the close feelings remain, and maybe if we have any chance of a friendship, they need to disappate at least a little.

So for now I walk away, she's not responded to my message, I guess that means that she's being C, ignore something you don't want to deal with. Her Birthday is in a little over a week. I need to let it past without comment. Part of me - to hope she realises that she needs me too, part of me because it will reduce any work I manage in the meantime. This work will take longer than she realises.

I refuse to take full responsibility for this. Yes I dropped my wall, but only after consistant pressure and she was told way back when that the wall was vital. Now it's broken I need to construct something new, and I'm not sure how. It was so long ago and the scenario is subtly different, the hurt is not because I'm not good enough, it's because she believes we cannot be. Right now this seems like a tougher challenge, because it will be built with doubt at it's core.

The next stages? I tried to get Tomi out for a drink, not possible for a week. I need to give Cotter and Pete an update, but I'm not sure how to condense it down.
Instead I asked Camilla if she could be an ear. Thankfully she has accepted and so tomorrow evening I will open up 4 years of my life to someone I've known for only a short time. I don't want to cry in front of her, but I need to stream consciousness. Her distance may help, it may hinder. She will certainly say it's probably for the best and maybe I should just give up entirely, but that will be because she doesn't know what our friendship has been.

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????