2012-10-24 - 9:44 p.m.

So Camilla's general view was that I performed as most normal people would - acting only when fully encouraged and being prepared for nothing to happen, leaving C to lead.

She mentioned C seems to come across as a child, not really willing to make a big decision - wanting to have her cake and eat it. It's hard not to disagree. C knows me well enough to know how things would pan out, so to then decide to invite me into bed again just encourages me. For me it's the flirting in the pub, that kills me. Clear pre-thought, enough time to decide it's a bad idea. But she wanted me in those moments, so why does she then back away. Alcohol is not enough of an excuse.

She thinks C is not being completely truthful with me. I'm not sure. I see why she thinks this as there are really confusing messages coming through, that could just be to do with C's issues though.

Her other advice was that it may be that C doesn't realise that she's already hurt me halfway already and that she needs to know.

This comes with immense risk. It could easily push C away as it's playing hardball. Nigh on an ultimatum, to give me a go or to leave me be. To be honest given that at this point in time I'm struggling how we can ever be truly settled again, it may not be anything but the truth :(

I have no closure currently, how can I say this won't just happen again, when most of me wants it to, how then can I truly move on in my life with that shadow, except when I hear she's dating. Once single, the question would rise again.

She said I expect too much of myself to be able to solve this on my own, and I thinks she's right. C and I need to talk and I need her to be 100% honest and I need to let her know that I'm hurting and I can't promise I can fix it. Ideally this would be in person, but I don't see how this could happen. So Skype, phone or WhatsApp are the remaining options, none of which thrill me. I think it'd need to be on the phone. I'm not sure I could cope in text form.

I leave it a week. Her Bday starts to approach then, but what can I do?

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????