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2012-12-03 - 10:18 p.m.

I don't really know how to put all this into words.

She kind of gave me the choice whether we would date.

However it came across more along the lines of 'If you want we can date, but it would only end badly.' Not exactly the encouragement I wanted.

I almost took it on there and then. The thing is most of the talking happened when drunk and in the pub, not exactly my ideal location for being open.

We argued quite a bit during that talk. She was happy to just claim that alcohol was the major reason why things happened. She has wanted me at times, and at others she has 'known better'.

She even mentioned that she has gone home and cried herself to sleep because of me. I'm slightly surprised about that, she's never mentioned it and it does show that we are quite tied together.

Whilst talking we both suggested I could leave and get a hotel if that was the way the other was thinking.

We went back to hers, listened to Taylor Swift - her singing Stay, Stay, Stay at me. Then I said something which clearly upset her in someway and suddenly it was bed time.

I stopped her and wanted to give her a hug, because I was confused, now that it was suddenly my choice. I tried to tell her this, of course, she interrupted all of it with kissing.
This then progressed and I said twice that it was my choice, when she said it was a bad idea. She got on, enjoyed herself and when she was satisfied. I was far from finished, this pissed me off massively. I bit her, which she'd told me not to. She again said not to and tried to put my arm around her, I said it was more about equality and stormed off to the spare bed.

While I was there I slept exceptionally badly and thought a lot. I felt as though my choice had been taken away from me, as for the most part it was a choice about that night and that instead she had just used me like a dildo. I checked the internet for a hotel and planned to leave before she got up in the morning. I picked up my bits and pieces including the beer in the fridge. After sleeping a while, I put the alarm later and then after a bit more sleep I decided I should speak to her instead. So I went and joined her in the morning and pointed out why I was upset.

She mentioned that due to her coil if she continues too long she can end up in quite some pain. She also pointed out that maybe i should have said something then and there instead of going off and getting all boiled up. She's right of course, but it did remind me of something and that is the shear quantity of negative feelings she can make me experience.

Part of this is due to her appeal, but also quite a lot to do with her negative points, which I am aware of, but often forget about when we're just being friends.

Her bad points often accentuate mine.

Saturday we were both tired and just watched Rugby and grabbed some food and then headed home, we talked a little more and I started to agree that she had good points that we would probably not be so good, but that it was hard for me to let go completely. I did state I'd be sharing the bed, which was fine. In fact when we got in she feel almost immediately asleep on the couch, so I left her to it. She came to bed around 5ish instead.

In the morning we went to the market talked a little more. She mentioned that she'd been talking to her friend Susannah the German who i met. Susannah asked what the ideal outcome would be for C if we did date. Her response - that we'd stay together quite some time, she'd have a baby, I'd then end up looking after it and she'd move on with her life. I did joke that she could call me when her coil came out.

She also had to work on the Sunday, so I had to leave by train. There was a little lump when I left. Not as bad as last time though.

I sent her a message at the airport, after which she replied with a question and so i replied letting her know I was back safe and then nothing.

Urgh.

So I need to focus on her bad points - the fact that she's selfish, that she often backs away from talking, the fact alcohol is a big danger which could easily lead her to cheat on me in order to finish it.

I also managed to call her fat due to her new haircut - skills.

So i'm moving on. Hopefully. If I can then maybe the friendship is possible to save. I hope so. It'll be difficult to shake her off, specifically by using focal points which additionally would make me wary to be a friend. But I just remember that she has worked to save this and been patient.

She asked me just to stop thinking about things too much. The thing is if I don't think, then I would have kissed her numerous times during the weekend when we had one of those moments where we share a glance. That's not what she actually wants.

She commented that she's moving away from WA as it became the 'way to contact her' this is because she can ignore all others! That is the sort of thing I should focus on.

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????

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