2008-05-08 - 9:48 p.m.

How has she got under my skin so much?

I'm really unhappy at times and it all revolves around being massively unsure where I stand.

I've spent a bit of time with her, but yet she's all I can think about. it's crazy and I haven't seen her for a week.

I should be feeling bad about, and thinking about Waish and whilst there's a bit of that it's all about Cecilie.

I'm crap. I crumbled and texted her about possibly going for a coffee after an exhibition we'd both signed up to go and see. Only then to see it wasn't when I thought it was (it had been rescheduled) I thought I'd gone mental and imagined that it was on Friday. She replied saying it had been moved and asked how I was doing. I probably said too much about being ok, and then mentioned I wanted to apologise for being over-enthusiastic last week due to getting on really well.

No response.

I don't know whether she thinks I'm a mentalist now or what.

I'm 99 % sure the ex factor is big following her journal entry recently. (i'm not sure how much they are for my benefit but I think i'm at least partly responsible for the thoughts and her realisation that she's not ready for a relationship. But I don't know how that relates to me at the end of the day.

I'm crazy about her and I need to keep it at least somewhat underwraps, until either it can be used positively or I work and making it go away because nothing will happen.

The worst thing is I know much of how she probably feels after Abi. But don't know how to broach it.

I'm going to have to just not contact her. She needs to make the next move, or until I need to sort out next Friday. Regardless of the film next week I think I'll miss it.

I've totally mugged myself I think over this and as such I think she's backing away and she may even be wary of friendship. I suppose we'll see how Syn/psi goes, if she cancels or is frosty then I really have to throw my energy else where. Go out meet some new people etc.

I almost crumbled on my other plans today. I felt so low. Only thoughts of the run dragged me through. Depending how next week goes though I think at least one session will occur.

What I wonder is if Finland has lowered my boundaries as such, or does she just have something that entirely switches my buttons. At least it hasn't lowered standards. :)

I'm just entirely amazed at how side swiped I've been by it.

How is it though that whenever I actively pursue it goes wrong. Not that I'd even started in this case, merely made it possible. It's not like I read the signs wrong. She stated she'd be einterested and yet everything all seems pears and I may not even manage a good friend at the end of it. Or even two. :(

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????