2010-05-02 - 10:16 p.m.

I hate myself that you�re so far away.

So once again a long time passes by without me updating. I�m not even sure what has been said and what hasn�t. I�m guessing my last entry probably at least discussed that I had started dating Olga. Well that continued for a while until around January, it became clear that she was getting somewhat more attached than I was and I felt it a wise choice to end it. The timing was somewhat unexpected and unplanned but a conversation brought us to a position where I didn�t really see any other option. Bizarrely we�d even been getting on better since Christmas, before which then things had been somewhat strained with stunted conversation and the like.
However, I soon found that I was less happy out of the relationship than I was in it, and given that we�d continued to see each other as friends then we ended up discussing the possibility of re-dating. Although on entering it I did state that it did not mean that it would be destined for success and could end up hurting her more in the long run. We managed another three months or so but I still found difficulties truly opening up in the relationship. I also started to realise that I couldn�t recall any moments where we laughed when it was only the two of us. I think she didn�t really feed my humour, thus not allowing me to entertain myself. Needless to say she didn�t see it so much as an issue and would have liked to continue the relationship. She seemed to think that things were really good and worth trying further with, but I really don�t see how she could have reached that sort of position. At no point of the relationship could I have said that I felt in love with her and she has always sat in the shadows to many others. On the day we split she asked if we could go for a walk, so I agreed and to begin with she still said very little and it all seemed a little pointless. Indeed the walk took really quite some time and interfered with plans I�d made for the rest of the day which was quite frustrating. As we parted I believe she said she loved me, a very strange time to say it, but I guess she felt the need. I�ve kept a pretty low profile since then, only responding when asked something specifically. We should hopefully remain friends, I think this is more for the benefit of the group than anything else, but we�ll have to see how she copes. One moment of worry arose in that she asked to meet C for lunch. Given that she was always jealous of C, it seemed a strange choice and I wasn�t sure exactly what the discussion would be based on. I wasn�t meant to be told, but I think it�s fair of C to inform me as long as I don�t kick up a fuss. I didn�t ask too much about the topics, I only asked C to let me know if she felt that I had to go and do some repair work, certainly at least she didn�t go psychitz and start having a go, which was my major worry. This was a couple of weeks ago now and we�ll have to see how things pan out.

I guess it�s a reasonable point to enter the major part of the entry now. The bit that hurts. The fact that I no longer have C as a major part in my life. Not due to any mistake, but because she has moved to Lausanne to work there for a while. She had her leaving do on Friday and I�m not convinced that then and there it really sunk in. Yesterday, however, a mix of a hangover and intense loneliness did come. Someone who I have met a minimum of twice in every three weeks, if not much more regularly, is suddenly absent from me and I don�t know how I will fill the gap. Yes she could easily be a cloud on any relationship I choose to have, but I would rather choose to have her than not. It still amazes me that we never slept together and I still wish it could happen. Part of me even wonders if this is why I split up with O at the times I did. In order to be single, just in case an opportunity arose. She means an insane amount to me and I know I am important to her in many ways. But I will have to get used to the fact I need to move on and refresh my social interactions. We have discussions on how to meet up. I�m heading to Linz for two weeks and have a random day off, we hope to find a mutual meeting point but, at a glance, this looks unlikely. Not that I have any other plans to fill that day with. There is one other plan in discussion though. To go to Beijing together. This appeals massively � I would be able to see the Great Wall (to add to the Taj Mahal in the modern wonders list) and look around an interesting country with someone who knows what they are doing. And all this before you add in the opportunity to spend time with C again. We would probably be looking around September time which should be OK by work as well. Let�s hope it happens. The only issue would be that by then I�d hope to be dating someone and they might not be so keen on me flying off to meet an old friend for a week or so. Doubt it�d stop me though. :s

There are other things to discuss, of course, life doesn�t stand still when that would be convenient. One of those would definitely be Cat. So we met up (whilst I was dating Olga) in Munich, this was part of an agreement we made at WGT about drinking through a cocktail bar menu. And given that an unwritten part of that was the expectation of bed room action this somewhat came along with. On top of this I also stayed with her when I went back to the UK and stayed in London. She was not so willing necessarily that time as the timing was all screwed due to bad weather. Also we didn�t really get to socialise at all, so it all felt a bit strange. Then there�s WGT coming up at the end of the month, she�s agreed to come to Prague afterwards too, so I�m somewhat of the opinion that there should be plenty of action on the cards again . And this would all be grand and a nice distraction if it wasn�t for the fact that I have met someone who seems really quite interesting. Her name is Veera and I met her through Julius and Mareena. She has an extremely strong personality (possibly too strong) and whilst her choice of piercings and glasses are not ideal she held my interest much more than anyone else I�ve met in a very long time. We met once before and I found her a little scary but this time she was really nice. We spent a few hours chatting as part of a group for J�s Birthday and then I had to stay in town as I was meeting up with Georgy for his Bday. She offered to keep me company (as she was already keen, I guess) we carried on chatting away and then I invited her to join for G�s drinks and on the way we verbally agreed to a date at the Escher exhibition. During the eve she was very flirtatious and we ended up on the same bus home. I�m not sure if she expected something to happen but I gave her a peck on the cheek and left. In the week there have been the occasional chances to see each other but nothing came off. Although to be honest it�s probably for the best as I�m hoping to get the WGT activities out of the way before progressing on that front. The skill will be just to keep the interest without ruining it along the way � which of course I�m more than capable of. An additional possibility is Riitta who is now single again and we could get on to a point but I�m not convinced on that front really. Certainly Veera will be target number one, once I�m back in HKI more permanently.

Hit 88mph Marty - The Future????